I had a dream last night and in it Matt C. and I were sitting on a bench in a house. A third person was sitting next to him, but I can't remember who that was. We were all quietly talking, but in a completely calm way, he put his arm around my waist, and I leaned my head against his shoulder kind of signalling that we were together and it was like this wave of peace just washed over me. EMO. It's like how (for me at least) orgasms are way better in my dreams. I wake up and just say "Woah!". I am baffled at my emotions sometimes. All this dream probably came from the fact that Chris O. mentioned in passing almost two months ago that Matt is coming to L.A. in December to check out a few of the schools. As December got closer and closer I thought about it more and more. Now dreams! I probably won't even see the guy because his visit will probably coincide with my trip to Florida. We haven't even really talked in over a year, if we hung out it might be awkward at best, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. I also can't stop thinking about my trip to Florida. In the same way that all this Matt C. business has been some kind of weird idealization for me from the beginning, Florida (and Corey) is like everything real and possible and not just dreams. Which is much more comforting. But I presented myself with an interesting hypothetical question today: What if I am somehow happily in love with Corey and we are in the same city, and somehow Matt is in the same city and suddenly expresses some great desire for me - what would I do? Would I stay with Corey, who is the best person I have ever fallen for, or go with Matt, the guy who represents something ineffable to me? Of course I'm not sure what I would do, but what I think I would do kind of scares me. Finals are on Saturday and Monday, which explains my lack of updates. My life is so boring there is nothing to say. Grad school sucks the life out of you. Listening: Continental |