I can guess why I'm not happy to be moving out again, starting something new. I should be proud of myself for pursuing graduate school, proud of the fact that they want to pay me to go. But I'm not happy to be moving out because this isn't the first time. The first time is easiest because you have no idea what can go wrong, what people can do to you, and how slipping through the cracks isn't hard. This time I'm aware of all those possibilities, and because they've all happened, it worries me. Gnawing cynicism, but in a totally apathetic way. You know, I don't even think about dating anymore, or really being happy. I just think about getting by, and I worry about money. But most days, I don't think about much. That's the real problem. What happened to all those great thoughts? I used to think so much I'd forget why I was walking across the room. And you know what? I've been really immature about all of this. I act like a kid that needs her hand held in order to cross the street...or make a decision. What happened to that strong-headed, independent girl I used to be? I'll tell you: she went out, got disappointed by people and by situations, had a chance to rest from all of that. Now she's scared to get back out there. She thinks it takes too much effort. She used up all her energy already. Now I feel very very lost and very very aimless. |