I'm funny! I e-mailed Diaryland to reactivate my two old diaries. xmopissax from 2000-2001 and vestadunning from 2001-2002. xmopissax is especially funny. All I have to say is I discovered emo. I was 18 years old and trying to figure a lot of things out. Maybe it's funny because it wasn't just last year. It turned out that a bunch of kids that I wrote about knew about the diary for months and months and just loved to read it, apparently it was hilarious. That's why it ends so abruptly, I was embarassed beyond belief when I found this out. There was this guy, Matt C., who I was completely head over heels for, and I wrote about my crush on him like twice a day. I couldn't look him in the face for a long time after I was told he knew about it, and I do regret the fact that I messed up our friendship. To this day, I would say he's the most amazing person I've ever met. He's a little spacey, and forgetful, but I don't think he ever does it on purpose. Have you ever sat down and thought about what you would like in a person? He's a lot of the things I would want. Interesting, creative, kind, thoughtful, attractive, independent. I ruined things with Manny over him. Just seeing him ruined things with Manny for me. That was the extent of my feelings for him. I never actually went back and read any of those entries after I quit writing in it. Honestly, I didn't want to think about what I had written, how much these kids know about me. But I finally did it today, and there were about five or six entries when I just wanted to kick my own ass reading the stupid shit I wrote. But I was still laughing as I thought about it, because it was so long ago and I'm so different. It's just funny to have such a detailed account of a really emotional period of my life. Damn emotions can eff you up! Vestadunning was a little better, but it got really redundant around spring 2002, and reading it tonight wasn't as much fun, it hit a little too close to home. I'm still dealing with the fact that a lot of my decisions over the past year can be chalked up to plain stupidity, and they really began last spring. Even though during the last year I was in Miami I was much more self-confident and less emooootional, I finally kept friends, and let people into my life. Some of the things I really saw that I needed to change during my second and third year finally got changed. This didn't really come out right. What I meant to say was a lot more cohesive. But I think I like this journal the best. Well at least the last few months. I had lost interest in writing for the period between September 2002 and early 2003. Looking back at what I wrote about two years ago, and the things I'm experiencing and feeling now, it's almost uncanny how I knew I would end up back in California, and why. Little things like that. I guess I understood myself better than I thought. And realizing at 19 that because 16 already seemed too far away and hard to empathize with, that at 22, 19 would look just as silly. How right that is! I don't really recognize the 19 year old I was from my current perspective. It's especially humorous because I was trying to hold onto those four years so tight. I couldn't picture what was beyond college, and it seemed like it was going to be the pinnacle of my life. Every moment was so important, getting things right had to be the top priority. I couldn't just let things happen... But the one thing I can't believe is that I've gone from being the most uptight person in the world to someone who at the moment doesn't give a fuck about much! So this is what happens after college... Listening: Explosions in the Sky |