Why is it that the one guy I've known for seven years and have a long history with has the be the kind of guy that I wouldn't go for now - the guy with the asshole attitude that you're never sure you can trust? If it weren't for the length and history of our incredibly complicated relationship, I could drop him in a second. It's hard to explain, but the attachment isn't what I would normally feel for someone. It's unusually strong and extremely irrational. In short, I hate it. When I left California I knew I was starting over, I was solidifying who I am, what kind of people I want around me, what I value in a friend or boyfriend, my priorities in a relationship. Unfortunately, he's been around since I was 14, a period which I don't exactly regret (long story, but I think regrets are worthless. You can't change the past, you can only learn from it) but at 14 I didn't know who I was! And we've both changed a lot since then, we've both had time away from home and time away from each other, and of course plenty of experiences to grow from. But I don't think he's the kind of friend I would choose at this point in my life. And I'm attempting to date this guy?? I think I've got to be done with this. I know him very well, and I've known him too long not to trust a gut feeling. When my gut feeling is to be wary of him, I have to go with that. I hadn't talked to him since Friday, when I made a point of calling him, and the conversation lasted about two minutes. Before that was another week. Today when we went to dinner he let a few things slip that left me a little uneasy about what he's been doing for the past two weeks that happen to coincide with the fact that we haven't talked. Especially since he called me almost every day before that and made it a point to spend time with me. This isn't the kind of thing I need to welcome into my life. But what I hate far and above everything else is the fact that there is a connection and the possibility of the relationship I've been holding out for, and having to admit that it's probably better if I break it off. Fuck it. Let it go down as another experience to learn from. Try to meet new people. Listening: Portishead |