Took a drive with Tom today. Went up to Oak Glen and around the way down to our old home in Mentone. Not really a home so much, just a lot where a trailer sits. Not even the one we grew up in. My parents sold it when we moved out. But the lots are still there, and some of the old trailers where our friends lived. "That's where Tanya lived. Hey, that's Paula's old place. Travis...Scott..." I took a bunch of pictures as we drove along, pictures of bridges, our old elementary school, orange groves, big piles of rocks. Tomorrow is wisdom teeth day. I am not looking forward to it as I have never had any form of surgery and I've watched way to many surgeries on the Discovery Channel. Thank God I only have three. Only 75% of the pain and possibility of complication. Job search is not going well. I'm not being proactive. I'm looking on the internet too much, and following up not at all. And now I've decided I'd rather be a high school math teacher, which requires a whole slew of things that would have been done already if this really was my first choice. I have to send Cal State my GRE scores so I can be accepted at the graduate level, complete the online application and pay the fees, pay the fees for the CBEST, and then of course take all the required classes. The only consolation is that if I register for lots of classes - and maybe even some that aren't required, like art - I'll be a full time student again, without the cost of going to UCLA, and I'll be able to defer my loans. In effect, really just stalling the actual job search for another year. I'm not sure what it is about my life that I'm so discontented about. Fuck, I live in America, I should be shot for just saying that....But all physical ease aside, the discontent is still there. Not teen angst. When I was in Miami, going to school, working, playing with the band, it seemed like too much and all I desired was a more simple, care-free life, a life in which the stresses caused by bills and rent was absent. A life with a little free time. Well, that's what I'm doing now! I thought moving home would bring so much of that contentment, free time to explore all those creative things in my mind, look for an interesting job with an engineering firm that fits my kind of personality. And now I want something to do. Is it just a matter of striking a balance? So what is it exactly that I'm searching for? When I picture my life, it's simple. A nice home, not decadent. Very clean. A lot of white, and vibrant colors - reds, browns, greens. And I'm peaceful. Friends, close friends. Not aquaintances around to boost each other's egos. Purpose, but not a willing-to-kill kind of drive. Lots of free time for all those peaceful things I think I would enjoy if I just didn't have so much time on my hands. I guess I'm just not comfortable being a 21 year old with options. I'll make a much better thirty-something. Listening: Grandaddy |